Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Weirdest Week of My Mission, White Christmas

Dearest Parents, Family, and Friends
            Sooooo this weeks been a bit weird.... As you know, I got transferred last week and so I spent the next couple days saying goodbye to everyone and a couple members even cried. It was poopy but I got everybody's info and they made me swear that I'd come back and see them soon. I can't believe I would voluntarily go back to Texas! So Wednesday went to our big transfer meeting and it was the wackest transfer I have ever been to. I know Pres. Hall is ordained to be our president and all... but he is making very weird decisions all the time. I'm fairly certain he just has everybody's picture and a dart board... "(Thwang) Oh sorry Elder Smith, looks like your going to be companions with a sister this time!"
        So in Pres Hall fashion, I'm now in an english area called "Shaddow Creek" that's just 5 minute from my old ward, so its kinda nice. Also, I'm in a trio with the Zone Leaders Elder Deans and Elder Dawes and they're super cool, Elder Dawes has the same time as me in the mish and Elder Deans has a little over a year, so we're vets at this. 
         Friday we got to go to the temple because Elder Dawes had a convert who was getting endowed and sealed to his wife. Except when we got there the session was completely full and only two of us could go in, so I decided that I could just do something else and let the other two go. Lucky for me, the stake second councilor from my last stake, Pres. Peterson, who I'm homies with, rolled up and said that I could be his son for some sealings he was doing with his wife. And it was awesome! So I did that, felt the spirit like crazy and then got to go sit in the celestial room by myself for like 20 minutes. The spirit was like a fire burning on the dance floor, wooah. Sealings are my favorite thing now.
That's Pretty Much It,
Elder Evans

Dearest Parents, Family, and Friends,
           Goooooddnnneesss, it feels like I'm in another mission now! I went from disorganization, drama, excitement, and slight apostasy to order, wealth, solid leadership and doctrinal understanding. Sadly, I kind of miss the disorganization, drama, etc... There was never a dull moment with the hispanics. Now I get fed every night and the ward wouldn't collapse on itself if we didn't show up. Its weird. 
            Anyways, it was a good week. My companions and I are having a blast! This might be my favorite companionship yet. It's the perfect blend of working hard and having fun! But, based on my current companion record, there is a good chance I'lll leave this transfer or they will because I've never had a companion two transfers in a row. Can you believe I've had 16 companions so far? That must be some sort of record. Maybe Heavenly Father just knows that I'd probably kill anyone after 6 weeks with them for 24 hours a day. It's better than being stuck with the same person for 6 months!
             I can't really remember exactly what happened this week, it was just lots of talking to people and handing out "A Savior is Born" cards to everyone (I can quote that dang video word for word now!), so its just a big ol' blur. Thursday we had a leadership conference and I went because my companions are ZL's and I promoted myself to Zone Secretary. It was an 8 hour long meeting. I about died. I'm trying not to be negative so I'm just not going talk about what went on there. 
             Hopefully this next week will be a little bit more eventful!
Peace, Love, and Harmony
Elder Secretary Evans

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Elder Evans the Kid

Dearest Parent, Family, and Pardners,
           I have come more in touch with my wild side this week. We were talking to our cowboy investigators and they mentioned how they have had a ton of rats since their last cat got stepped on by a horse. It just so happened that the day before, Rodrigo told us that they wanted to get rid of some of their cats because they have 12 or so and they kept multiplying and replenishing their yard. So I thought, " Oh we'll just take those cats to the ranch, super easy." As it turns out, feral cats don't like to be held, carried, and especially not put in a cat carrier. I'd like to quote a scripture for this one "Yea, and it came to pass that much blood was shed in that day, lo, insomuch that I did curse under my breath and did curse the feral cats, yea, even unto cat damnation, for they were mean." Fortunately, the ranch has rat hunters now, who also have a taste for human flesh. 
           We also went to the temple as a mission Friday. We had to get up at 3:45 to get there on time but it was still pretty great. I only fell asleep 5 or 6 times but it looked like I was praying, so it was cool. Then afterwards we had a talk from our president about how important it is to get married and how to identify our future spouses. Then he lectured us about our mission flirting too much. So it was like: Here missionaries, these are some coupons for some great fast food and some recipes for brownies and cake... but you are all fat, so eat healthier. So needless to say, there are some mixed signals being sent. Other than that, it was a great temple trip. 
            Then that weekend our ward had our primary program and, I tell yah, you've never lived until you've seen 20 hispanic kids sing songs and give little talks. Also, my companion, Elder Reed is getting transferred, so pray that I can tolerate my new companion.

Peace, Love, and Harmony
Elder Evans


Tuesday, August 18, 2015


Dearest Parents, Family, and Friends
           So as I sat at the computer and started to write my letter,I realized I couldn't think of anything to write. So then I decided I would look in my planner to see what I wrote down last week to jog my memory a little. As it turns out, I don't remember the last week of my life at all because nothing I wrote down sounds even familiar. As a result, I have concluded that I have contracted MZD or Mission Zombie Disorder. Through my experience in the mission field, this disease is quite common in missionaries who have gone past their year mark. Common symptoms: Inability to recall facts about movies, music, actors, etc., Humor revolves around church jokes, Assumption that everyone in a shirt and tie are also missionaries, The past seems smushed into one giant day, and referring to yourself in your thoughts as Elder Evans. Sssoooo pretty much I'm losing my mind, especially that last one symptom, that one is weird. Even in my dreams, people from my past call me Elder Evans! 
           Other than that, I do remember that we found this super awesome 21 year old guy named Rodrigo and his girlfriend and they think the Book of Mormon is the coolest thing since sliced bread. Which means future baptism, hopefully that I'll be able to see!
And that's all I have to say about that.

Peace Love and Harmony,

Elder Evans (Dang it, I mean Paul or Alex)
Me and the gluten free gang (little Omar snuck in for this photo)

Me and Omar with his dad

Wednesday, July 8, 2015


My Fellow Americans (And Canadians) ((And Where ever Sam Came From)),
     I may think that Texas is hot and ugly, but they really pulled through this time. 'Twas a good week. Last Monday, while we were at the library doing family history, we got harassed by some drunk guy who said he was a Jehovah's Witness and that he didn't understand why Mormon's and Jehovah's Witnesses hate each other. (I feel that this would best told with a super long, run-on sentence) So then I explained to him that we don't and then he told me that we do, so then I told him that he should leave and then he told me that he shouldn't, so then I told him that he was drunk and he told me that he wasn't, so I asked him what was in his gas station soda cup and he said it was Dr. Pepper, so then I told him that his Dr. Pepper smelled a lot like beer and he told me it wasn't, so then he said it was a free country and he could do what he wanted and then I told him that it isn't, so then I told him to leave and then he did. 
       After that I went on exchanges again with a giant Tongan named Elder Heitonga, who I  love dearly. He doesn't speak english super well or have any fear of death or pain. So it's like playing with a giant, out of control gorilla who knows basic English. I love it. Then nothing really happened until Forth of July when at 1:00, we had lunch with some members from the English ward, who like us better than the English Elders. It was the first american food I've had in forever. I ate 3 whole burgers and then wanted to throwup #GodBlessAmerica. After that, we went to Marc's (Our eternal-investigator friend guy) and we watched the fireworks on his roof. It was dope!
         I also forgot to mention that we had a conference with our new Mission President, President Hall. He's a homie for sure and super funny. He's a lot like Pres. Ashton on rules and stuff. So lots of focus on following the spirit. I think he is going to be great. This mission needs a little more energy pumped into it. He also mentioned something about a Texas Houston South Mission facebook page....THETHSM.....so you can see whats up with everything

And that's it all I have to say about that,
Love, Peace, and Harmony
Elder Evans

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

3 weeks of emails

Subject: Gluten Wars: The Return of The Gluten, May 26, 2015

Dearest Padres, Amigos y Familia
               So this letter may be a bit short because my old nemesis, Gluten, got a lucky hit in this week and knocked me out for a solid 3 days and a half. I'm all good now, so no worries. Other than that life's been same old, same old, I don't really have any good stories to tell. I've started to get to know the members more and our investigators too, they're super dope. There is one named Ronnie, who is a 26 year old from Guatemala and we invited him to get baptized yesterday and he agreed. 
                This Saturday we also had a late Mother's Day party for the branch and I was assigned to bring a salad along with two of the sister missionaries. So we decided to have a competition to see who could make the best salad. You already know that I straight blew them out of the water with a delicious summer salad accented by succulent blue berries and crisp apples. Now they owe me ice cream. The party was fun. All of the recently baptized 22 year old's came (there is like 7 of them)  and I affectionately refer to them as "the Squad" and I am their gringo leader. So me and the squad had a blast as we hate food and listened to the members do terrible spanish karaoke. 
                My companion is still interesting. He is very dramatic and loves to oppose every and all ideas. So of course, I endlessly torment him and push his buttons.  I know that's wrong, but I'll repent later. Other than that we just don't talk a whole lot.
That's all I've got to say about that.
Elder Evans

 Tough Week of Driving- June 1, 2015
Dear Parents, family and friends,
        Oh what a week I've had! Unfortunately, all the flooding didn't really do a whole lot to my area, so I missed out on all the excitement. I've heard that my last area got decimated, a tornado even destroyed one of the apartments we used to go to. I, however, did not have very much fun as I just concluded the worst week of driving I've ever had. First, we went to the temple on Thursday and when we were driving back there was a ton of stop and go traffic. So I was driving all tranquil like and then all of a sudden, the car in front of the car in front of me stopped. So the car in front of me stopped super fast and almost hit the car. Well, I, unfortunately, wasn't so lucky and didn't have as much space to stop. So I slammed on the breaks and gently kissed the car in front of me's bumper. We got out inspected the damage and absolutely nothing happened to our car and their car had a tiny tiny dent where the screws of my license plate poked him. I thought for sure he would of said "nah you can't even tell" because you couldn't, but he filed an insurance claim anyways. What a pooper. Then two days later I did a little number on our car when I pulled out of a parking spot and turned to soon. The picture looks way worse than it actually was bbbbuuttt it was still pretty bad. But, before you say anything about it mother and father, may I remind you of our Jeep and the door on the the Trailblazer. I will be without car for a couple days (which is terrible in this heat) while the car goes into the body shop.
         Other than that, the week has been fairly boring, the temple was awesome. Afterword, the temple president and president Ashton had a question answer session for about 3 hours. I learned some deep stuff about the pre-existence which I very much enjoyed.
And that's pretty much it.
Peace, Love, and Harmony
Elder Evans

June 8, 2015
Dear Parents, Family and Friends,
        As you may recall, our car is still in the shop from my little "run-in" with a pole, so we've been on our bikes this whole week. So this is all I have to say:
IT'S SO HOT!!!!!!!!!!
I don't really have much else from this week other than that. Probably because my brain is melted.
Elder Evans

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Wedding day and Celiac Wars: Return of the Gluten

Querido  Familia y Amigos,
           This week has been a bit of a change up, not really surprising that we didn't do a lot of proselyting like always. Both Tuesday and Wednesday I went on exchanges to other areas with some other Elders from out of zone, which was fun. Tuesday I went out with Elder Gilbert, whose from the Virgin Islands and we biked all over the place in 85 degree weather and continued to wonder why people live in Houston. Then we switched again and I went to the area of Elder Tew, who I love. We had a grand ol' time helping this food bank move bulk food from a truck to warehouse and, sadly to say, I think I'm going to give up my dream of being a dock worker, It's just not for me. Luckily I got to giant packs of Gatorade as reward and I've managed to keep my roommates from stealing some of them, those dirty vultures. 
           The rest of the week was pretty standard until Saturday, when the other Elders' investigator Hermana Murray (Pronounced More-Eye, I don't get it either) got married to her boyfriend of 11 years. We had a fat party/ceremony and I was selected as wedding photographer (photos to be sent) and it was super fun. Then we had her baptism the next day and it was beautiful. 
           Other than that, Carlos (an investigator) is still being a real champ. He couldn't come to church though because he had work again, but he's super excited.
And that's pretty much it!

Elder Evans

Dearest Family and Friends,
           So it's been another one of those nothing weeks! I just looked through my planner to see what we did and as I read what I had written, I could not remember any of it. All I can remember of this week is that 1) I'm getting transferred and 2) Carlos is having some legal problems with his significant other back in El Salvador, so he's getting deported! That's kind of a bummer. He's all sad about it and says that there's pretty much no way he can move back. And 3) one of the members made me us Waffles this week. Gluten free for me and regular for the other guys. We had a bunch left over and she put them in separate bags to put in our freezer for later enjoyment. Unfortunately, when we got home it occurred to us that we hadn't marked which bags were which and both bags and waffles were identical. Had they been normal waffles I would have just given them away, but these waffles were desirable above all other waffles. I had to eat them, lest I parish in depression. So we set up a panel of taste tests and sight tests and it was decided which was which. Then I ate the waffles. And you know what? I ate the wrong waffles. Then I pretty much laid around all day with internal anguish. I feel better now, but I'm still a bit sensitive to random stuff, like when I was home
That's It,
Elder Evans

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Ain Da Twa Low Yamala (May I Go to the Bathroom)

Nei- Kaun Ye-La, (How are you?)

     So last week, I had the pleasure of going on exchanges twice with Elders Ames and Simram, our very own Burmese speaking elders. So as you can imagine, I speak Burmese fluently now. I'm not even entirely sure where Burma is (I don't even think that's the name of the country, its Mynamar or something) or why there is a bunch of people from there hanging out in Houston,Texas, but its pretty cool. They apparently speak a mixture of indian and chinese which sounds like a really nervous person trying to sing a love song to a goat but the only song they know is a backwards Dr Suess book sung by Alanis Morissette. I hope that description adequately describes the subtle nuances of that language.
       Unfortunately, Elder Simram's and Ames' other companion is about to get transferred and they really want me to replace him so they have someone that can speak to the spanish people for them. They even asked the mission president. So there is a small possiblity that I may be the next Spanish, Burmese, and English speaking missionary in the history of the church! Hopefully not, though. I don't even like Alanis Morissette.
      Other than that, my week was good. Elder Escobar and I are still having a grand ol' time together and we're working super hard to get the ward to stand on its own a bit more, which is coming along. Still haven't found any real investigators yet. We are currently trying to encourage the members for referrals (Please give your missionaries referrals, you don't have to go with them or anything but a "just stop by this address and see if they're interested" is ssoooo nice.) 
That's all I got!
Elder Evans


Burmese Elders (missionaries)

At the Houston Temple.   

 My new companion, Elder Escobar

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

The Book of Elder Evans

Chapter 36
Elder Evans buys expensive steak - Elder Evans slaughters many - Elder Evans complains - Elder Evans complains some more
1. I, Elder Evans, being born of chill parents, do write a few things concerning the welfare of my soul.
2. And it came to pass, on the second day of the week, also being called P-day, there was much jubilation and happiness in the land in celebration of the birth of Elder Evans, insomuch that there was not a soul in Houston who did not party accordingly.
3. And Elder Evans and his companions did go forth and feast in a place called Outback Steakhouse and, lo, much of their gold, silver, and other precious metals were lost in pursuit of savory steaks.
4. Having been satisfied, Elder Evans and his companions did go to a p-day activity of which the entire zone was involved.
5. And there was much joy found therein, where as Elder Evans did play dodge ball with all his might, insomuch that both Elders and Sisters did fall before his vengeful hand.
6. Nevertheless, the people did harden their hearts against Elder Evans and did propose that basketball would be played; and all, save a few faithful sisters, followed to play basketball.
7. And it came to pass that Elder Evans did murmur exceedingly and did cry unto the people: "Repent ye, Repent ye, for behold, Basketball doth lead its players speedily down to destruction and endless misery and wo! For dodge ball is but the only path to p-day happiness." 
8. And it came to pass they did reject the cries of Elder Evans saying "Shut up Elder Evans, get off the court." and did continue in their abominations, yea, even playing basketball for 2 hours.
9. And Elder Evans did don sack clothe and did pour ashes upon his head, for great was his mourning and lamentations.
10. And thus ended the nineteenth year in the life of Elder Evans. 

I'm tired of writing like that. Anyways, the rest of the week was a bit rough. My hands and knees have been hurting a lot, especially when I ride bikes.I talked to the doctor and he's pretty sure I've got Arthritis and there's pretty much nothing I can do about that. That's bit of a bummer, but maybe I won't have to ride bikes that much! I also got a cold the last part of the week and Elder Lambourne told me that sleeping was bad because it wastes the Lord's time and doesn't show faith. So, I carefully pondered his words and took a couple naps anyways. Now I feel ssssoooo much better. We still can't find any real investigators, so that's a bit frustrating, but we're still working hard! 

Thanks for the birthday wishes and stuff!
Elder Evans

I am 20

Dearest Parents and friends,
       So this has been a much more interesting week than the last, luckily. Now I have stuff to write about! 
        The first part of the week was pretty drab. We were straight struggling to find people. We would talk to people on the streets, next door neighbors, pretty much anybody. After that wasn't really working, we started really trying to press the members for referrals and we didn't get any good ones. Then we decided that we, from the excellent advice of my companion, would get wwaayyy strict on ourselves, just to make sure that every last drop of fun was sucked out of missionary work (because, after all, the last thing the Lord wants us to enjoy these two years.) Then things really began to change!! Except it didn't and nothing happened. As a result, proving myself to be always the rationalist, I suggested that we instead of trying to be unnecessarily obedient we try being unnecessarily non obedient. I theorized that increase in rule breakage would then show Heavenly Father how willing we were to please him, by not pleasing him at all. For some reason, this idea was thrown out before even getting to see a jury. Facing that defeat, I then proposed a compromise, entailing that we would work our hardest and keep the rules, but try not to worry so much and have a little faith. This plan was accepted with open arms. Now we've found some good people that may turn out to be sweet investigators.
        We also went to church Saturday night. We were trying to find an apartment and we came across these people that we had contacted the day before who were going to their church. So we decided to go with them. I'm not going to lie, the Centro Hispanio Iglesia Pentecostal is not the true church. Actually, I'm not even sure if it is a church. However, it was the sweetest party I've  ever been too. There were lasers, fog, a super sweet band and a preacher that ran in circles on the stage like a little boy who was about to cry because he couldn't find his mom. I really felt the spirit, especially when the preacher told the audience that they were sinners over and over again. I also enjoyed when the preacher pulled a big stack of cash out of his pocket to show everyone how generous he was giving to the church. It was great.
        That's pretty much it for me. I'm 20 now and that's weird.
         Elder Evans


Sunday, March 8, 2015

To Whom It May Concern

Dearest Parents and Friends,
           I am writing this letter with heavy heart as I must inform you that, my companion and leader, Elder Lambourne, has made it known that from this point forward there shall be no speaking in the language of those heathens and commoners in the street. I must say that I find the idea quite preposterous. The very act of "talking street" brings me much joy and may I dare say it tickles my fancy! Now, as any well-bred and educated gentleman must do, I have begun a protest by speaking like this. It has not had a noticeable effect, but I believe, with time, it will do my opponents in. (What fun, the hunt!) This country was founded on such ideals and I will exercise my right to do so. If I wish to speak like an idiot, by George, I will. CAUSE YA CANT KEEP DIS MAN DOWN AIGHT?!?!
          Any who, this has been a pretty average week, we didn't do anything particularly exciting, except go to the medical district twice. The medical district is almost 15 or so GIANT hospitals that are super cool looking. We give blessings to sick members from all over there since its in our area. It makes me want to live in the city so very much. (Sorry Grass Valley, but now that we've spent some time apart, I've realized that our relationship is just going nowhere. We had fun and I'll always treasure the time we spent together but I think we just need to see other people. I think an older guy would be so much better for you, especially a retired one. It's not you, it's me... actually its totally you. Love Elder Evans.)
           Other than that it's been good. I totally ate it the other day riding my bike. You know how you are supposed to go at a curb straight, with good speed, and a little jump right before?  I didn't. 
            I also found out one of the sisters in my ward is from Argentina, so we went over to her house, drank mate, and had a grand ol' time.
           We work with many of the less active and active members. It's kind of a weak ward, so we're focusing on that. We also got a new bishop. He's from Mexico, I think. The funny thing is his wife is from Alberta! I don't know where but I'll find out.
And that's all I have to say about that,
Elder Evans

Standard Letter

Dearest Family and Friends,
            I don't know what to write about, this mission is actually kind of boring. Not to complain, but I haven't even feared for my life even once! And all the missionaries are great, no real crazy ones and the rules are easy to follow. I have nothing to complain about, nothing to ironically criticize or grossly exaggerate!!! I don't even know who I am anymore! I just sit in a car, visit people and sometimes ride my bike (I'm getting way better but going up onto sidewalks seem to be.... curbing my progress....). Elder Lambourne is still great, we have good fun together. Elder Reed is still struggling. He just wants to go home so very bad.
            I like speaking spanish here but everybody makes fun of how I speak Argentine Spanish, especially the kids because they think I'm saying it wrong. Luckily, there is an Argentine lady in our ward and I'm going over to drink mate and speak Argentine words. I actually have to change a lot of my speech because nobody understands. I'm so exotic. I dont understand why the people don't think  its weird when we just walk up and speak spanish to them. It doesn't even phase them. I would be really surprised if somebody just walked up to me speaking perfectly good english in the middle of Mexico.
             I also gave a talk on Sunday about why we need the Atonement, and I had to write it in an hour. However, despite the time setback, I won an oscar for best actor, best supporting role went to the sister missionary who talked before me and I think the soundtrack is up for a grammy. My manager is talking about a tour but I want to focus on my studio career. We're also talking about tv show syndication, I want Shaun from Psych to play me.
              That's about it,
              Elder Evans

        Here's me studying hard...     

Monday, February 16, 2015

This Time I'm Playing for Keeps

Howdy Padres y Amigos,
         OH MY GOODNESS!! First week in the field!! I love being a missionary! This is so much better than the MTC! I'm so nervous!! The Church is SSSOOOOO TRUE!! =)
         Now, that's what I'd be saying if this was my first week and I was a newbie, but it ain't and I isn't. (Except for the "church is true" part, I still say that.. but more spanishy) I'm already a Pro. Been there, done that. That's right parents, that big ol' slice of humble pie turned out to be full of gluten and was exchanged with a nutritious rice cake o' pride! It takes a lot more than disease, bad companions, stress, impoverished living conditions, language barriers and mission change for me to learn humility. I'll have none of that.
         First off, I would like to say that I have not heard "howdy" once since I arrived and am thoroughly disappointed...  Actually this mission is the bomb.com. President Ashton is really cool and more importantly, hates rules! He says we can't grow as real servants of Christ if we can't use our agency and think for ourselves. That means whatever music that we want that helps us feel the spirit, no crazy Bautismo yelling, and no rules on wearing black ties. I like that. The only rule that's new is that we have to be within sight and sound of each other at all times, especially in the apartment. So if I want to go to the bathroom, somebody has to watch me walk down the hall and into the bathroom. It's a bit silly. However, one time I was out of sight for almost 3 seconds and in that moment of sin, I stole 3 cars and robbed a bank. Luckily my companion ran to get me and prevent further issues.
         I actually have two companions, Elder Lambourne and Elder Reed. Elder Lambourne is from West Jordan, Utah and is a Zone Leader. He's dope cause he's exactly the same as Elder Webb, they even have the same voice. My other Companion is Elder Reed, who's from Pocetello, Idaho. I like him too but he's really struggling and wants to go home. Unfortunately for him, nobody else wants him to, so he's still here. We have fun and, luckily, we're in a car area. Unluckily, the other two love riding bikes and we do that a lot. I don't like riding bikes. I can do it well enough, as long as there are no telephone poles, cars, people, potholes, dogs, or fire hydrants and the road is straight with no onlookers.
        My area is called Houston 2, I think and I'm right next to downtown, in a place I like to call "New MexicoHondurasEquadorElSalvadorGuatemalaCuba." I think I have heard English 3 or 4 times in the last week. Its actually pretty cool. I also have an unofficial second language of Ebonics. Here's part of the first lesson "So der was dis dood, Joe Smith and he waz all lookin fo sum church to go to and he was all like "Wut it do, dees churches ain't no good yo!" so he goes how to some trees or somethin, yah know, dat place where ders birds and, yah know plants. Den I forget dah rest but its I tight story, I like it, yah feel me?" The other Elders tell me its just english, but I know its not.
        We haven't taught a lot because last week was crazy but I'll give you more details on that stuff next week.

Here's My Address

6666 Chetway Drive

Yo Dawgs, Peace Out!
The artist formerly known as and then again known as,
Elder Evans