The Book of Elder Evans

Chapter 36

Elder Evans buys expensive steak - Elder Evans slaughters many - Elder Evans complains - Elder Evans complains some more

1. I, Elder Evans, being born of chill parents, do write a few things concerning the welfare of my soul.

2. And it came to pass, on the second day of the week, also being called P-day, there was much jubilation and happiness in the land in celebration of the birth of Elder Evans, insomuch that there was not a soul in Houston who did not party accordingly.

3. And Elder Evans and his companions did go forth and feast in a place called Outback Steakhouse and, lo, much of their gold, silver, and other precious metals were lost in pursuit of savory steaks.

4. Having been satisfied, Elder Evans and his companions did go to a p-day activity of which the entire zone was involved.

5. And there was much joy found therein, where as Elder Evans did play dodge ball with all his might, insomuch that both Elders and Sisters did fall before his vengeful hand.

6. Nevertheless, the people did harden their hearts against Elder Evans and did propose that basketball would be played; and all, save a few faithful sisters, followed to play basketball.

7. And it came to pass that Elder Evans did murmur exceedingly and did cry unto the people: "Repent ye, Repent ye, for behold, Basketball doth lead its players speedily down to destruction and endless misery and wo! For dodge ball is but the only path to p-day happiness." 

8. And it came to pass they did reject the cries of Elder Evans saying "Shut up Elder Evans, get off the court." and did continue in their abominations, yea, even playing basketball for 2 hours.

9. And Elder Evans did don sack clothe and did pour ashes upon his head, for great was his mourning and lamentations.

10. And thus ended the nineteenth year in the life of Elder Evans. 

I'm tired of writing like that. Anyways, the rest of the week was a bit rough. My hands and knees have been hurting a lot, especially when I ride bikes.I talked to the doctor and he's pretty sure I've got Arthritis and there's pretty much nothing I can do about that. That's bit of a bummer, but maybe I won't have to ride bikes that much! I also got a cold the last part of the week and Elder Lambourne told me that sleeping was bad because it wastes the Lord's time and doesn't show faith. So, I carefully pondered his words and took a couple naps anyways. Now I feel ssssoooo much better. We still can't find any real investigators, so that's a bit frustrating, but we're still working hard! 

Thanks for the birthday wishes and stuff!

Love,

Elder Evans

I am 20

Dearest Parents and friends,

       So this has been a much more interesting week than the last, luckily. Now I have stuff to write about! 

        The first part of the week was pretty drab. We were straight struggling to find people. We would talk to people on the streets, next door neighbors, pretty much anybody. After that wasn't really working, we started really trying to press the members for referrals and we didn't get any good ones. Then we decided that we, from the excellent advice of my companion, would get wwaayyy strict on ourselves, just to make sure that every last drop of fun was sucked out of missionary work (because, after all, the last thing the Lord wants us to enjoy these two years.) Then things really began to change!! Except it didn't and nothing happened. As a result, proving myself to be always the rationalist, I suggested that we instead of trying to be unnecessarily obedient we try being unnecessarily non obedient. I theorized that increase in rule breakage would then show Heavenly Father how willing we were to please him, by not pleasing him at all. For some reason, this idea was thrown out before even getting to see a jury. Facing that defeat, I then proposed a compromise, entailing that we would work our hardest and keep the rules, but try not to worry so much and have a little faith. This plan was accepted with open arms. Now we've found some good people that may turn out to be sweet investigators.

        We also went to church Saturday night. We were trying to find an apartment and we came across these people that we had contacted the day before who were going to their church. So we decided to go with them. I'm not going to lie, the Centro Hispanio Iglesia Pentecostal is not the true church. Actually, I'm not even sure if it is a church. However, it was the sweetest party I've  ever been too. There were lasers, fog, a super sweet band and a preacher that ran in circles on the stage like a little boy who was about to cry because he couldn't find his mom. I really felt the spirit, especially when the preacher told the audience that they were sinners over and over again. I also enjoyed when the preacher pulled a big stack of cash out of his pocket to show everyone how generous he was giving to the church. It was great.

        That's pretty much it for me. I'm 20 now and that's weird.

         Love,

         Elder Evans

(

To Whom It May Concern

Dearest Parents and Friends,

           I am writing this letter with heavy heart as I must inform you that, my companion and leader, Elder Lambourne, has made it known that from this point forward there shall be no speaking in the language of those heathens and commoners in the street. I must say that I find the idea quite preposterous. The very act of "talking street" brings me much joy and may I dare say it tickles my fancy! Now, as any well-bred and educated gentleman must do, I have begun a protest by speaking like this. It has not had a noticeable effect, but I believe, with time, it will do my opponents in. (What fun, the hunt!) This country was founded on such ideals and I will exercise my right to do so. If I wish to speak like an idiot, by George, I will. CAUSE YA CANT KEEP DIS MAN DOWN AIGHT?!?!

          Any who, this has been a pretty average week, we didn't do anything particularly exciting, except go to the medical district twice. The medical district is almost 15 or so GIANT hospitals that are super cool looking. We give blessings to sick members from all over there since its in our area. It makes me want to live in the city so very much. (Sorry Grass Valley, but now that we've spent some time apart, I've realized that our relationship is just going nowhere. We had fun and I'll always treasure the time we spent together but I think we just need to see other people. I think an older guy would be so much better for you, especially a retired one. It's not you, it's me... actually its totally you. Love Elder Evans.)

           Other than that it's been good. I totally ate it the other day riding my bike. You know how you are supposed to go at a curb straight, with good speed, and a little jump right before?  I didn't. 

            I also found out one of the sisters in my ward is from Argentina, so we went over to her house, drank mate, and had a grand ol' time.
           We work with many of the less active and active members. It's kind of a weak ward, so we're focusing on that. We also got a new bishop. He's from Mexico, I think. The funny thing is his wife is from Alberta! I don't know where but I'll find out.

And that's all I have to say about that,

Love,

Elder Evans

Standard Letter

Dearest Family and Friends,

            I don't know what to write about, this mission is actually kind of boring. Not to complain, but I haven't even feared for my life even once! And all the missionaries are great, no real crazy ones and the rules are easy to follow. I have nothing to complain about, nothing to ironically criticize or grossly exaggerate!!! I don't even know who I am anymore! I just sit in a car, visit people and sometimes ride my bike (I'm getting way better but going up onto sidewalks seem to be.... curbing my progress....). Elder Lambourne is still great, we have good fun together. Elder Reed is still struggling. He just wants to go home so very bad.

            I like speaking spanish here but everybody makes fun of how I speak Argentine Spanish, especially the kids because they think I'm saying it wrong. Luckily, there is an Argentine lady in our ward and I'm going over to drink mate and speak Argentine words. I actually have to change a lot of my speech because nobody understands. I'm so exotic. I dont understand why the people don't think  its weird when we just walk up and speak spanish to them. It doesn't even phase them. I would be really surprised if somebody just walked up to me speaking perfectly good english in the middle of Mexico.

             I also gave a talk on Sunday about why we need the Atonement, and I had to write it in an hour. However, despite the time setback, I won an oscar for best actor, best supporting role went to the sister missionary who talked before me and I think the soundtrack is up for a grammy. My manager is talking about a tour but I want to focus on my studio career. We're also talking about tv show syndication, I want Shaun from Psych to play me.

              That's about it,

              Love,

              Elder Evans

        Here's me studying hard...